Codependent No More introduced the word ‘codependent’ to the wider world. The term ‘codependent’ originated as a term to describe people who use relationships with others as their sole source of value and identity. These people often end up in relationships with either drug addicted or alcohol addicted spouses or lovers. In the book, Beattie explains that a codependent is a person who believes their happiness is derived from other people or one person in particular, and eventually the codependent becomes obsessed with controlling the behavior of the people/person that they believe is making them happy.

Rather like Bill Wilson’s Alcoholics Anonymous five decades earlier, Beattie’s early work took the previously complex object relations and interpersonal theories of psychological theorists like Heinz Kohut, Wilfred Bion, and Otto Kernberg, and put them in language laypeople could easily grasp. Codependent No More also re-phrased many of the notions expressed in the Al-Anon Twelve Step movement into more modern language, and made the notion of addiction to a person part of the western cultural lexicon.”

Description: The book is about learning how to have – wait for it – no more codependency. Beattie worked as a professional writer while she wrote it, so it’s an extraordinarily smooth read, mixing examples with theory, and making deep concepts clear and easy to grasp. Some general themes are cultivating boundaries, a healthy sense of separation, solid self-respect, saying “no”, paying attention to one’s own business, and being able to strong and brave in walking one’s path. It’s also about finding balance and general emotional health, and cultivating the ability to love and care for others for real (in a way that isn’t draining).

Anecdote: My copy of the book is from the original printing. My mom bought it around the time it first came out, and I borrowed it a couple years later. I was a little weirded out seeing her number rankings (from one to five) of herself next to the multi-page list of codependency symptoms. Anyway, after reading it a few times through, I asked if I could keep it, and my mom said yes, and I still have her old copy. I think I bought her a copy of a later printing a few years later.

Potential Turn-Offs: I like listening to books on audio, but, whisky tango foxtrot, could they have found an more mawkish and weepy sounding actress to read the book. Avoid. Also, if the whole “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me” affirmation-twelve step vibe is silly to you, this book may be too (although, honestly, this book will reach out and break your ass bone with a firmly placed kick if you tell it that you think it’s “silly”. Or, actually, more likely, it will just tell you firmly that it doesn’t appreciate your comment, and, calmly and with self-respect, turn and go about its business.)

What I Got out of it: The book is deep, honest, personal, intense, relevant, and practical. I have complete trust in it. Growing from being an anxious, scared-of-people kid, repeated readings of this book gave me a powerful sense of self-respect, of my own worth, and of my own path and core. It’s funny that they got Ms. Weepy to read it for the audio production, because they could have just as easily gotten a Marine Corps sergeant major. Yes. Drop and give me fifty, Recruit – that’s just how it do.

Learn more about Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie

Description: David’s teaching is clear and concise. The instruction makes it easy to figure out where your hands and feet need to be so you can spend the entire class soaking up the sweetness as your breath moves you along. The flowing sequence connects you to your body and breath, even if you just have time for part of the practice. David’s ashtanga inspired class leaves you rejuvenated, full of life, & smiling.

Anecdote: My parents don’t practice yoga, but couldn’t turn off the DVD. Maybe it was the scenic natural setting, the soothing tone of David’s voice, or the connections he draws between the practice on and off the mat that kept us tuned in as if it were the latest arrival from Netflix. The experience created one more connection between myself and my parents.

Potential Turn-Offs: *Warning* : too many of David’s classes may lead you to quit your job & open your own yoga studio in the relatively near future. Side effects may also include: personal transformation, career changes, odd cravings of teacher trainings, a strong urge to tell all of your friends about the infinite benefits of yoga, intense feelings of peace, happiness, bliss, and love.

What I Got out of it: The proof is in the pudding…David was one of my very first yoga teachers, and now I teach yoga too. His classes allowed me to expand my boundaries, let go of what I didn’t need, harness what’s deep inside and let it shine on the outside.

Open your heart and mind to the practice, you’ll realize that you’re stronger than you ever imagined. And that with all that strength comes softness and compassion.

Learn more about Find Balance with David Lurey

Description: Cognitive Therapy has been clinically proven to be as effective as medication for treating depression and more effective than medication for treating insomnia.

REBT preceded and is now a subset of cognitive therapy. Dr. Albert Ellis invented REBT ( Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy ) in the 1950s when he was practicing traditional Freudian psychoanalysis. Dr. Ellis noticed that is patients who got better changed the way they thought about their situations. Being well versed in western philosophy Dr. Ellis recalled the great Stoic philosopher Epictetus who once said

“People are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of them.”

Ellis started experimenting with purposefully helping his patients change the way they viewed their situations. Many of them, even ones who had been in therapy for years, got better rapidly.

Dr. Ellis created REBT which later evolved changed and became known as “cognitive therapy”.

REBT is based on the idea that thoughts cause emotions and influence behavior. Emotions as well behaviors can be changed by disputing irrational beliefs with facts and logic, forming new rational beliefs, and behaving in a way that is consistent with the new rational beliefs.

Unlike cognitive therapy, REBT places strong emphasis on modifying emotions and modifying behavior in addition to disputing irrational beliefs. REBT also posits that there are 12 core irrational beliefs that most people have that cause them to experience unpleasant emotions needlessly.

In “A Guide To Rational Living” Dr. Ellis explains REBT, its methods, and the then top 10 irrational beliefs. Ellis is not known for being a great writer, but in this book he pulls it together. The tone is direct as well as clear, free of psychobabble, and you never doubt that you are being addressed by one of the great psychological minds of the 20th century.

Anecdote: I first learned of REBT in college when I was seeing a campus psychologist. One day I told him that I did not understand him when he told to “deal with my feelings”. I asked him what exactly do people do, when they “deal with their feelings”. The counselor was quiet for a few moments. He then wrote down the name of this book, which I borrowed from the campus library.

Using REBT is a lot like jogging, particularly for large issues or personal development. It has to be replied repeatedly and consistently.

However, there have been a few times when I have been upset, used the techniques for rationally analyzing my thoughts, and felt my negative emotions go away instantly as if a switch had been turned off.

No drugs, no venting to counselor or a friend, no comfort activities….just thinking.

Potential Turn-Offs: There are multiple editions of this book. To get the latest edition with the most content make sure you have the 3rd 1975 printing(august). It should have 23 chapters. Earlier editions do not.

What I Got out of it: Many means of personal development encourage people to be dependent on things outside of themselves. Charismatic personal motivation speakers, expensive CD sets, books, life coaches and so on.

REBT teaches you can learn to help yourself and move under your own power.

Learn more about A Guide To Rational Living

From the GrowthPop team: parts of this review used Cron’s review on Steve Pavlina’s forums as source content. Cron has kindly let us keep the review live while giving him credit. Please take a look at his original review here.

Description: This book helps the reader learn how to create structures for conscious relating. These ideas assist in dealing with breakdowns by helping people understanding how to honor each individual as well as the relationship as a whole.

Anecdote: Before being introduced to the ideas in this book, I somehow didn’t realize that we each have our own way of “expecting” other’s to be in the world. I’ve found so much freedom through the implementation of these ideas in my life — what a brilliant gift!

Potential Turn-Offs: Dense material.

What I Got out of it: Freedom, compassion, understanding and tools to assist me in relating more effectively with everyone in my life, from my family to friends to clients and even strangers.

Learn more about RelationDancing

Description: Extraordinary curriculum includes classes and workshops for at the beginner, intermediate, advanced and professional levels. Most classes meet weekly.

Potential Turn-Offs: The studios are on Mission between 5th & 6th, so it’s pretty close to the infamous 6th & Mission corridor. Don’t park near 6th street — it’s definitely worth it to pay for the 5th & Mission garage.

What I Got out of it: A great learning philosophy, greater flexibility and range of motion, freedom to express myself in a new way, and a really cool group of friends. And I learned to dance with fire, too!

Learn more about Temple of Poi Fire Dancing Classes

Growth Potential: 1) When we confuse magical or mythical forms of spirituality with trans-rational and experiential understandings of consciousness, we will often delude ourselves into thinking we are deepening our spiritual development when we are really deepening our delusion and fooling ourselves. By learning to differentiate between them, we can both recognize truly deep spiritual teaching and let go of pre-rational myths that hamper our spiritual growth. 2) We can learn to work with understand the responses that people at different levels of development will predictably exhibit, giving us greater ease and power in our social relations. 3) We can use these ideas to understand how seemingly disparate ideas and theorists actually compliment one another in describing the whole human condition. This synthesis allows us to integrate all of human knowledge into a coherent whole, even when the various teachers claim that they have the one and only or most important truths.

Pop Potential: Ken Wilber is transforming the academic and cultural landscape, bringing together many of the worlds most prestigious and prodigious teachers to his Integral Institute, including actors, politicians, entertainers, and authors. His work will be a central part of the new foundation for the future social and international organizations of the 21st century.

“Get Real” Potential: Many of the people whose work he both integrates and criticizes find his analysis arrogant and dominating. Ken is a very intellectual guy, and many suggest that he privileges thinking over feeling and intuition. Since his work is conceptual and covers pretty much the whole of the Human knowledge project, it is often so abstract that people accuse him of missing the trees for the forest. He himself admits this, and points out that the map he is creating is not the territory – and that if you remember it is a map, it is an incredibly valuable one.

What I Got out of it: This book gave words and structure to a whole series of experiences around consciousness and mind that had been a source of deep internal conflict. As I learned and applied his distinctions to my experience, the various pieces settled into place and my mind cleared, giving me powerful insights. My work, my relationships, my internal experience became simpler, while my capacity to impact others increased dramatically. Most of all, it made my experiences of consciousness, rationality, and emotions work together as a coherent whole.

Learn more about Sex, Ecology, and Spirituality by Ken Wilber
Buy the book, “Sex, Ecology, and Spirituality,” on Amazon

Description: The Work’s founder Byron Katie presides over the curriculum and presents the exercises, but it is the students who are the true teachers in this experiential course, facilitating and learning from each other. Staff, who are School graduates, take care of the mechanics and are available to support participants to focus completely on their process. Participants in this total immersion experience spend more than a week in inquiry as both “client” and “facilitator,” instilling in each one the ability to meet with understanding all of the thoughts that produce all of the suffering in the world. The Work is presented in the context of universal stressors such as money and career, body and health issues, addictions, sex and relationships, and family issues. The curriculum changes and evolves according to the needs of the participants present.

Anecdote: There’s not much I can say anecdotally. Because of the “element of surprise” aspect of the School, past participants are asked not to say anything specific about the curriculum or personal experiences so as not to water it down for future participants. I can tell you that it is a mind-blower in most ways, like an internal Outward Bound.

Potential Turn-Offs: If you are a very private person or uncomfortable with others emoting, you may not want to get vulnerable with or in front of 300 strangers. There’s a fair amount of personal sharing going on throughout the workshop, plus partner and group work that requires some self-revelation.

What I Got out of it: Each time I do The Work I have a more peaceful perspective than I did before. The School got me into the habit of a regular practice of self inquiry, so that I always have a way to bring myself back to the peaceful center that is our true nature. The School was so impactful for me that I have made The Work my life’s work, offering it to others around the world.

Learn more about The School for The Work

This particular style of Vipassina only has one teacher in the world at any given time, so the instruction was delivered via a pre-recorded video. I expected this to be a big turn-off, and it ended up feeling very natural.

Growth Potential: Vipassana meditation is designed to change the habits of one’s mind. Instead of living in constant reaction to the world and in constant slavery to craving and aversion, the Vipassana mind moves through the world with balance, equanimity, compassion, and power. After the course you might sit straighter, move more intentionally, and think a little more clearly without all the usual clutter that you probably don’t even realize you have.

Pop Potential: The food is yummy. Super tasty, clean, real vegetarian food prepared with love.

It’s affordable: the course is by donation only, and the organization prefers a donation of service (make yummy food for the next course!) to a donation of money.

“Get Real” Potential: The technique is a secular and potentially even non-spiritual practice, and that’s one of its merits. Anyone of any belief can practice and benefit from it. But in the teaching of the technique, a little Buddhist dogma (talk of karma and reincarnation) sneaks in.

What I Got out of it: I sharpened my mind, connected it with my body in deep ways, had some intense experiences of having my corporeal self disintegrate, and effectively changed my consciousness (for the better, I think). I’ve had a few difficult conversations since my retreat, and noticed that it was much easier and faster for me to clear my head and find resolution than I feel I’ve done in previous tough talks. So far, I’m still practicing Vipassana, and I plan to keep it up.

Learn more about California Vipassana Center

Growth Potential: Many, if not most people are caught between, on the one hand, their natural desires for pleasure, productivity, pride, worldly wealth and success, sexual satisfaction, and the right to choose their actions in service of their deepest happiness, and on the other, a moral code that tells them that such “self-ish” desires are immoral and evil, and that in order to be “good,” they must sacrifice their personal happiness to achieve the happiness of others. Caught between these their natural desires and the moral prohibitions they have been taught, they find themselves 1) acting half-heartedly to achieve their goals, as if they must apologize for their weakness of character, and 2) feeling guilty for their “self-ish-ness,” making them easy prey for preachers and politicians who want to manipulate them into supporting their programmes. By clarifying this dichotomy and offering a solid philosophical solution to it, Atlas Shrugged, as just one of its many gifts, supports human beings in passionately pursuing their highest vision and bringing their most precious gifts to the world.

Pop Potential: It is typically listed as one of the most important and popular books in the world. 50 years after its publication, it still sells hundreds of thousands of copies a year. It is currently being made into a movie and that will star Angelina Jolie.

“Get Real” Potential: Unfortunately, for all of its strengths, the novel is so demanding and unapologetic in its themes and philosophy that many people get turned off and angry, and stop reading rather than deal with the issues it raises. For this reason, the book has many detractors who have not actually read it, and those that have typically have a shallow understanding of it after only one reading.

What I Got out of it: This book is one of the most important books I have ever read, by far. Nothing else really comes close, except perhaps Sex, Ecology, and Spirituality by Ken Wilber. It completely transformed how I understood, my Self, Society, Sex, Philosophy, Politics, and pride. I have read it over 20 times, and every time I read it, I feel like it was a wise investment of my time because I get more inspired to bring my gifts to the world with my whole heart and soul, and to love life more fully than I have been, however much that is. It is an anthem to human possibility and the spirit of beauty that makes life worth living.

Learn more about Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Buy the book: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Growth Potential: I find that tarot cards offer new ways to see what is happening in my and others’ lives. The images on the card are symbols that seem to inspire people to deep reflection about themselves. Because these particular ones are round, a good reader can interpret the nuances of the angle of the card in a way that sheds lights on surprising aspects of a person’s life.

Pop Potential: “I don’t believe it, but…” is a phrase I’m getting used to the more out-of-the-closet I become about being someone who digs the tarot. In fact, I brought the cards to a party the other day, and I was pleasantly surprised at how many people shyly asked if I’d pull them a card. Way cool! I got to have the most intimate conversations with strangers I’d ever had, and bizarrely, people trusted me. Maybe it’s because I tell them, “I don’t believe in it either, but it sure is fun, and at minimum you and I will have had a kick butt conversation all about you!” Surprise, surprise…people get really into that! (Or, it could just be the gorgeous sketches of naked, strong, sexy, vulnerable women that make them so appealing.)

“Get Real” Potential: At the beginning of the book, Karen Vogel (the co-designer and author) suggests that these card allow you to access wisdom directly from the goddess. I know other people think of tarot as a means of divination, during which the teller can actually read the future. I don’t buy that at all…and yet it freaks me out when I pull the EXACTLY RIGHT card (like the time my friend’s dog died, and she pulled the “death” card; or the time my other friend told her boyfriend she wanted to get engaged, and he freaked out, and she pulled the card that essentially said, “someone loves you but is not ready right now.”)

What I Got out of it: Aside from the obvious popularity that comes with being the tarot reader at parties, I find that the cards are a wonderful way to reflect on my day, or my week. I’ve started giving myself a full reading once a month, and although I rarely remember what the cards “said,” I highly value the ritual of reflecting regularly on my life, posing a question, and then listening deeply to my own answers. Mostly, though, I really appreciate the opportunity to get to know my friends more deeply by giving them a reading when they’re in a particularly tough place…the weird thing is, I can ask them hard questions they would NEVER be willing to hear/answer if we didn’t have the cards as a neutral mediator. As a tool for making and deepening friendships, these cards rock!

Get your own MotherPeace Tarot Cards