Probably not. See, the Universe doesn’t have a direct line, and in order to transform yourself or your life the best way can often be a numbers game. Last week, I heard a story about a guy who has amazing success with women. He goes on more dates with amazing women than anyone else. How does he do it? He does it by getting rejected by more women than anyone else. See, he gave himself a goal to get the most rejections he could get in a week (he used an actual number), and by the end of the week, he’d achieved his “goal.” Of course, in the midst of that, he also went on some great dates!

You see, this game isn’t just about spamming the Universe, but it’s about using numbers to get past whatever fears you have around things like rejection, the future, failure, and more. It can even help you learn more about yourself in the process. I just read this great article about a woman who went on 100 dates with men. She wanted to find a partner, she was 34, so she posted an ad, and amidst the guys in Hawaiian shirts offering her trips to Vegas, she found 100 potential dates. Very quickly after an intense two weeks and 21 dates, she broke down into tears, and felt all the loneliness and rejection and fear that she’d felt in all her years of relationships. She realized that she’d been selling herself short for a long time, saying yes when she wasn’t interested, even getting into relationships that didn’t inspire her. She realized where she’d been cheating herself, and she learned how to stop. She learned how to communicate honestly her feelings if she wasn’t interested, felt ok about rejections (she says that those guys were meant to be with someone else, so it’s good that he’s free to find her!), and got way more in touch with what really inspired her. In the end, she not only found a great guy, but she was sure that he was the one she wanted.

Another aspect of this is that your Universe doesn’t know when you change, you have to tell it. The woman in the article had friends to talk to, and the successful dating guy told his guy buddies because our friends, family, and communities are our Universe. A close friend recently called me and told me he was disappointed, and that he felt that I saw him as straight-laced, and a little uptight. He was right, and when he told me, I actually noticed that in the past year… he really hadn’t lived up to my expectations of a real uptightster. The truth is, he’s a very relaxed and confident guy, more so than he’s ever been, and I had just put him in a box without bothering to re-review the label based on experience. So when he told me that he felt good, confident, and relaxed and wanted me to support him, I was able to change my own perspective. As part of his Universe, I had the power to keep him the same, or help him transform, and by telling me, he catalyzed that shift.

So, I’m playing a numbers game too. I’m shooting for 50 rejections from agents for my work. That means I have to email way more than 50, and I have to deal with a lot of rejection. I’ve emailed about 30, and I’m about 5 rejections towards my goal right now. I’ve also gotten two great agents who are interested in working with me. But beyond the numbers, I’m learning more about how to approach and interact in the world of artists’ agents effectively and professionally. I’m learning how I’ve felt needy or urgent, and how to move past those feelings. I’m learning how to love my own work and learning process in the moment, without worrying as much about future success. I’m learning that the more I talk about it, the more likely the Universe will hear me. Heck, I’m even telling you.

Where are you playing small or selling yourself short in your life? What game can you play to break through the fear that holds you back?

I was at a job I hated for nearly six years.  Six years of wanting something else!  Looking back, I regret how long it took me to leap away from it.  There are so many directions to choose from, we often get boggled and just go with the safest, easiest option.  If it falls into your lap, if it pays well, if it’s convenient… you might as well take advantage of it, right?  I warn you, no.  I always said I would wait to leave until I had something solid lined up next.  Actually, my mother, in the back of my mind, was telling me to wait, puncuated with ‘what ifs’ and ‘oh dears.’  Honestly?  The world is NOT that scary.  You’ll be ok.  Just go.

You must choose your own happiness.  Only you know what will make you completely happy, only you can figure out that puzzle.  But it is a tricky puzzle that takes effort.  Figure out what you really enjoy.  What makes you feel alive?  One of the wisest of men once said “Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.”  Whatever decision you make, whichever path you take, do it with intention.  Choose it, and then live that choice.

How do you get a feeling of forward momentum in your life?  Well, first you have to figure out where you want to go!  You certainly won’t get it standing still.  That’s the hardest part, in some ways.  Once you have your heading, once you take that first step… the second and third steps, they just happen.

Finally, you have to really believe that you deserve to be as spine-tinglingly happy as you can possibly imagine being.  You do!  We all do.  There is no reason you should ever feel like you should be satisfied with “good enough.”

Description: The book starts with Dan getting it all right at Stanford. He’s on the gymnastics team, and he’s good. He gets lots of attention from girls, and is pretty much breezing by. Then he meets Socrates, an unlikely gas station attendant who turns his world upside down. Socrates immediately intrigued Dan when he managed to appear on the roof, seemingly by flying. After that, Socrates leads Dan on a journey of self-discovery and challenge that shakes Dan’s assumptions about the world to the ground. Dan goes through periods of cleansing/fasting, meditation, and seemingly magical journeys when Socrates touches his temples.

Anecdote: The book was an easy read. I took it on my commute (by train) and it was easy to pick up and put down. I did find myself looking for lessons in the book, tips, tricks, keys to the kingdom of heaven. Alas, it was just a good story, albeit an inspiring one.

Potential Turn-Offs: Well, there’s a bunch of stuff that seems pretty unlikely unless you already have experience doing energy work, reiki, and reading auras. Dan takes a few trips that are like lucid dreams that Socrates activates just by touching his temple. Frankly, I’m down with reiki, and fine fine, you’ve got an aura, but the Vulcan mind meld is a bit much even for me.

What I Got out of it: While I didn’t start a meditation practice the next day, I did get a chance to be more mindful of my state, my reactions, the way I eat, what I eat, etc. I’d say I got a glimpse of being more intentional and that felt good.

Buy th book: Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman

Description: Cognitive Therapy has been clinically proven to be as effective as medication for treating depression and more effective than medication for treating insomnia.

REBT preceded and is now a subset of cognitive therapy. Dr. Albert Ellis invented REBT ( Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy ) in the 1950s when he was practicing traditional Freudian psychoanalysis. Dr. Ellis noticed that is patients who got better changed the way they thought about their situations. Being well versed in western philosophy Dr. Ellis recalled the great Stoic philosopher Epictetus who once said

“People are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of them.”

Ellis started experimenting with purposefully helping his patients change the way they viewed their situations. Many of them, even ones who had been in therapy for years, got better rapidly.

Dr. Ellis created REBT which later evolved changed and became known as “cognitive therapy”.

REBT is based on the idea that thoughts cause emotions and influence behavior. Emotions as well behaviors can be changed by disputing irrational beliefs with facts and logic, forming new rational beliefs, and behaving in a way that is consistent with the new rational beliefs.

Unlike cognitive therapy, REBT places strong emphasis on modifying emotions and modifying behavior in addition to disputing irrational beliefs. REBT also posits that there are 12 core irrational beliefs that most people have that cause them to experience unpleasant emotions needlessly.

In “A Guide To Rational Living” Dr. Ellis explains REBT, its methods, and the then top 10 irrational beliefs. Ellis is not known for being a great writer, but in this book he pulls it together. The tone is direct as well as clear, free of psychobabble, and you never doubt that you are being addressed by one of the great psychological minds of the 20th century.

Anecdote: I first learned of REBT in college when I was seeing a campus psychologist. One day I told him that I did not understand him when he told to “deal with my feelings”. I asked him what exactly do people do, when they “deal with their feelings”. The counselor was quiet for a few moments. He then wrote down the name of this book, which I borrowed from the campus library.

Using REBT is a lot like jogging, particularly for large issues or personal development. It has to be replied repeatedly and consistently.

However, there have been a few times when I have been upset, used the techniques for rationally analyzing my thoughts, and felt my negative emotions go away instantly as if a switch had been turned off.

No drugs, no venting to counselor or a friend, no comfort activities….just thinking.

Potential Turn-Offs: There are multiple editions of this book. To get the latest edition with the most content make sure you have the 3rd 1975 printing(august). It should have 23 chapters. Earlier editions do not.

What I Got out of it: Many means of personal development encourage people to be dependent on things outside of themselves. Charismatic personal motivation speakers, expensive CD sets, books, life coaches and so on.

REBT teaches you can learn to help yourself and move under your own power.

Learn more about A Guide To Rational Living

From the GrowthPop team: parts of this review used Cron’s review on Steve Pavlina’s forums as source content. Cron has kindly let us keep the review live while giving him credit. Please take a look at his original review here.

Description: The Work’s founder Byron Katie presides over the curriculum and presents the exercises, but it is the students who are the true teachers in this experiential course, facilitating and learning from each other. Staff, who are School graduates, take care of the mechanics and are available to support participants to focus completely on their process. Participants in this total immersion experience spend more than a week in inquiry as both “client” and “facilitator,” instilling in each one the ability to meet with understanding all of the thoughts that produce all of the suffering in the world. The Work is presented in the context of universal stressors such as money and career, body and health issues, addictions, sex and relationships, and family issues. The curriculum changes and evolves according to the needs of the participants present.

Anecdote: There’s not much I can say anecdotally. Because of the “element of surprise” aspect of the School, past participants are asked not to say anything specific about the curriculum or personal experiences so as not to water it down for future participants. I can tell you that it is a mind-blower in most ways, like an internal Outward Bound.

Potential Turn-Offs: If you are a very private person or uncomfortable with others emoting, you may not want to get vulnerable with or in front of 300 strangers. There’s a fair amount of personal sharing going on throughout the workshop, plus partner and group work that requires some self-revelation.

What I Got out of it: Each time I do The Work I have a more peaceful perspective than I did before. The School got me into the habit of a regular practice of self inquiry, so that I always have a way to bring myself back to the peaceful center that is our true nature. The School was so impactful for me that I have made The Work my life’s work, offering it to others around the world.

Learn more about The School for The Work

Growth Potential: During the pleasure course, you will have a chance to look inward and identify what it is that makes you tick. All of us are living our lives according to a set of rules and guidelines that we’ve cobbled together based on past experiences. This is called “Your Trip”.

Your Trip’s job is to keep you safe, and comfortable; unfortunately in some instances Your Trip can also keep you from having the pleasure that you really want in your life.

During the pleasure course, you have a chance to identify Your Trip; once you have awareness of Your Trip, you will have more choice around it.

Pop Potential: A large portion of the course focuses on communication between partners. This type of work can benefit everyone. You will learn techniques to ask for what you want, and how to listen to what your partner wants.

There is also a hands-on portion of the course where you will practice the communication techniques you’ve learned.

“Get Real” Potential: The pleasure course can sometimes overweight the idea that life is ALL about pleasure. This can be hard to swallow for folks right off the street.

I found that sometimes the course leaders did not provide space for negative emotions, saying we should not focus on that or it was just part of our “Trip.”

What I Got out of it: After identifying my Trip, I was able to look at the things that frustrated me in my relationship from a new angle. I realized that usually when I get upset at someone, its because of fear that has come up, from this place I can now share how I feel rather than make the other person wrong. This usually opens up a more intimate connection and leads to more pleasure in my life.

I learned practical techniques for asking for what I want in my relationship and as part of our sex life. I learned how to enjoy what is happening in the moment rather than focus on outcomes.

Learn more about The Pleasure Course

Learn more about National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) Southwest

Growth Potential: Fix all your problems in 5 minutes? I’m in.

Pop Potential: Not so sure about Bob Newhart as a spokesperson if only he would stop it with the stuttering I might be able to look past the combover.

“Get Real” Potential: Bob cranks the “get real” potential-o-meter up to 11.

What I Got out of it: A revolutionary take on how to deal with my issues. Bob is truly a guru.

*Ahem* there actually appears to be a book inspired by this video…
Learn more about ‘Stop It!’ Therapy